Good Sports

Last year, when our agency was setting up an office-wide ping pong tournament, I wrote some wildly inaccurate player biographies for fun.

Fun or not, these darlings died with the tournament itself.

RIP.

Trey E. was known as the international bad boy of Olympic speed-walking until he realized he could cut that plastic connecter between his shoes. Allergic to birdsong and a prolific rice-cake reviewer on YouTube, this is his first MAG Pong tournament.

A dedicated conservationist and firefly rehabilitator, Jake T. was once court-ordered to stop collecting kitty litter. He has not. This is his MAG Pong debut.

Fan favorite Eric K. is known in some circles as the only name in competitive leaf-eating that matters. In his free time, he paints portraits of air traffic controllers. This is his 3rd MAG Pong tournament.

Another newbie, Mani S. is mostly known for his controversial stance on the color orange. Proud to be entered in this MAG Pong tournament, he offers this warning to his competition: “Hello.”

Made of significantly more water than the average human, MAG Pong veteran Colin M. holds the world record for number of times he can play a song in a row before he’s tired of it. He has famously stated he is “not sure” what ping pong is, and that the paddles “enrage” him.

Returning champion Matt S. has revealed his pre-game workout is a series of melodic screams. Rumors imply he hopes to lose, so he may return to his first love: acting as a sommelier for off-brand colas.

Widely considered to have perfected the ultimate library shush, Eli W. is back for his 4th consecutive MAG Pong tournament. When asked if ping pong fame was worth leaving his wife and children, he responded, “That was unrelated.”

Returning vet Erik C. is known for his chilling silence. While it is unknown whether this is an intimidation tactic or if he’s too polite to say he doesn’t even work here, this player brings the heat between regular scrap-booking conventions. We’re all lucky he fit this tournament in.

Created in a laboratory without the use of either arm, newcomer David C. has already been labeled a “bad bet.” However, if his string of 1973 rodeo lassoing wins prove anything, he will be a player to watch.